"Father Knows Best" when it comes to Business Networking

The lady beside me at the networking party said, “if you think I meet people easily, you should meet my father!”

“Hey, that’s what I always say!” I replied.

What we had in common were Dads that had traveled a lot because they were in the military - different militaries from different countries, but with something in common. Our Dads had to change job, town, friends at least every three years for their entire careers. Our Dads had to learn how to meet people. Our Dads had learned how to take the sting out of meeting people.

What does Dad advise? Does he really know best?

1. Always be yourself, it’s easier than trying to remember two stories
2. Don’t be afraid to talk to strangers, you might just learn something from the experience
3. Lead the conversation by asking a question the other person can answer
4. Follow with another question that they can answer
5. Know your own answers to the same two questions, because they are likely to ask you back
6. It won’t hurt you to be friendly and civil

How does this work in practice and is it advice that requires you to be gregarious before you begin? No. These are simple and practical tips on meeting people that can be applied to any business networking situation.

Let’s try an example. I walk up to you at a business networking function.

1. Always be yourself. This is straight forward advice. If you meet me, I expect that it won’t take you long to discover if I am genuine or if I am a fake. This is advice that works both ways. Also, he is right. If you are genuine, you only have one story that you need to know. Any more and you are bound to mix up the details.

2. Don’t be afraid to talk to strangers goes against most of the advice we have been given our whole lives. My Mother was always making sure that we did not talk to strangers. But Dad has another angle. We are adults and meeting new people opens a source of new information to us. “More input” as my daughter would say. New people have different experiences, knowledge, and backgrounds. Dad is right. We can learn things by meeting new people.

3 and 4. Lead the conversation by asking a question that the other person can answer. This gives the asker two advantages. One is that I am taking control of the conversation by asking the first question and choosing the topic. The second is that I am giving the you a chance to look good and put you at ease. Dad’s favourite opening question is “Where are you from?” He says that this is a question that everyone can answer. His follow up question is “What is it like there?” You can see where this is going, “How did you get here?” and so on. These are all questions you can answer.

5. Know the answers to the same questions because you are likely to ask me back. This is obvious. Asking people questions that I cannot answer myself means that I am not really treating you fairly in the first place. I am not being genuine or nice. It is better to be nice. Which leads directly to number 6.

6. It won’t hurt me to be friendly and civil. It is likely that you will treat me the same way in return.

And herein lies the big secret. If you are genuine and well mannered, you approach people with a couple of questions that you know they can answer, and then they ask you back and you give well considered answers, and you talk for a bit, you are having a conversation. You can then ask more questions, give a bit more information about yourself, and voila, you are networking.

And that, my friends, is why Father knows Best. Dad is a great networker.

Have a nice day,

Cathy

Most people find it difficult to meet people, but some do it better than others

This article is about how to make meeting people easier and, surprisingly, the answer has nothing to do with whether you are introverted or gregarious, outgoing or shy. This article is about three differences that I have found between the people that find it easy to meet new people at networking events and the people that find it difficult.

To support this article, I asked hundreds of people at an international conference in Washington DC about their networking experiences and I have drawn the following conclusions:

- Most people have had very good experiences from networking and can see the value in attending networking functions. For example, many people met their employers through new contacts, some found their “big deal” via personal introductions, and most found business friends through networking functions.

- The networking benefits were roughly the same for both the introverts and extroverts.

- People relied on person-to-person events to meet new people and social networking tools were used primarily for private contacts.

- The major area of difference was in the ease of meeting people, and here the division was not divided by introverts and extroverts, but by the tactics, or lack of tactics, used in meeting people.

But almost everyone found meeting people challenging at one time or another.

In fact, so many people asked for help and tips on meeting people that it confirms that Meeting People is the right topic for the first The Networking Workshop ebook. And surprisingly, while describing how difficult it is, a large number of people wanted a revival of face-to-face networking!

The group that found meeting people most difficult

The problems with meeting people boiled down to three core issues that made people either want avoid the party altogether or plan their exit on the way in:

1. It is difficult to start a conversation.

2. It is difficult to make small talk and continue conversations.

3. It is difficult to end conversations.

The group that found meeting people easiest

The group that found meeting people easiest used active strategies to make conversations easier and had advice for each of the three problems.

1. Have a strategy to find people that are easy to meet and talk to.

2. Prepare a lot of what you are going to say before the party and arm yourself with items for conversation.

3. End conversations before they run out of steam.

That is easy for them to say! But what exactly do they mean?

1. Having a strategy to find people that can introduce you will make starting conversations easier and get to know a Connector.

If you are not confident at initiating conversations, there are several avenues open to you and these are the most popular strategies I found at the conference. The first advice is to join someone you already know. This is one of the most simple and popular strategies and you see this tactic used by the best networkers. The advantages are that your friend/acquaintance will introduce you to other people and, because the group is already talking, you are joining a conversation-in-progress. It gives you a bit of time to relax and meet your friend’s friends or just listen for a while. If they don’t introduce you automatically, ask your contact to introduce you, or introduce yourself. It also gives you an opener. You can ask how the others know your friend. This eases the pressure on you because the whole conversation will not rest on your shoulders. If you don’t know anyone, try to find the organizer or host and ask if they can introduce you to someone. This will have the same effect.

The second advice to opening conversations is to take some control over who you talk to because some people are more open to conversation than others. With this method, you will have to be observant and pick who you approach with consideration. Many recommend approaching a group of three people because it is likely that one of them will not be actively involved in their conversation and will be open to talking to you. Avoid trying to join groups of two people because it is quite likely that you are interrupting a conversation and will not be given a good reception. Some people suggest talking to a person who is standing alone. This can work if you have prepared well for tip two (managing conversations), but if you find conversations difficult, a one-on-one cold conversation can be hard. I always try to approach groups of three or four people who are laughing or look like they are relaxed. I come up with a smile on my face and join their group and ask if I am interrupting or say “can I join your group? You look like you are having more fun than everyone else”. I think that they will be easier to talk to if they are enjoying themselves.

Lastly, you can “bring-a-friend” as a companion and you can give each other courage when joining groups and starting conversations.

The third advice on starting conversations is to hang around a networker known as a “connector”, or matchmaker. They will get you going and likely introduce you to people that will be interesting for you. These people are usually known by everyone and are able to match people by interest, skill, or even personality. You can recognize them because they move around a lot and use language like “I know who you should meet” or “you would get along well with Fred” or “is there anyone you are looking for?”. When they meet people, they automatically look for a fit. Word-of-warning to the introverted! Connectors are often given bad-press in the Introvert-blogs and are dismissed as overactive sales people. Connectors are usually open with introductions and actively work the room, not staying long in any one place. Do not expect them to engage in a deep conversation, they are usually looking for surface information. But they are working very hard at the networking function.

2. Prepare a lot of what you are going to say before the party and arm yourself with items for conversation.

Most of the people that feel they are not good at meeting people say they “find small talk excruciating” and they are “not good at putting themselves out there”. You may find it counterintuitive, but the best networkers do not engage in much small talk, but they are interested in knowing who you are and what you do.

For those that feel uncomfortable promoting themselves, the best advice is to prepare a short summary: who you are, where you are from, what you do, why you are at the networking function. Short and sharp. It allows you to get to the point and spend less time talking about yourself. You should able to introduce yourself in one or two sentences so the person you meet knows your name, company, what you do and your key message. End your story with a question that cannot be answered with a yes/no, like “tell me about yourself”. Your introduction will give the other person enough information to ask you questions about you or your product and it gives them a structure to give you the same information in return. You will sound prepared and you will have contributed to the conversation. Please don’t be intimidated when you meet someone who introduces themselves well, they have probably given their introduction a lot of thought and you can benefit from their efforts.

The primary advice for people who find it challenging to keep the conversation going is: prepare your side of the conversation in advance. You will sound confident and will be able to spend your time learning about others, not wondering what you should say next. This takes pressure off you. You don’t need to prepare everything, of course, just some key things. If the conversation lags and you want to continue it a bit longer, introduce one of your prepared subjects.

Good conversationalists have a set of standard answers to common questions so that they can give interesting, concise answers and turn the conversation back to the other person. Think about questions you are often asked and prepare what you will say when you are asked the question in return:

• What do you do exactly? / This is what I do exactly
• Why did you start your business or how long have you worked at your company? / This is why I started my business
• Is there a story behind your company name? / This is the story behind my company name
• How could you help my business? / This is how I can help your business
• Where are you from? / This is how I ended up living in the Netherlands (because I am not Dutch).

Good conversationalists arm themselves with current information on the market/industry/main companies in the industry so that they could ask questions like “did you see/hear about __________. I found it interesting because  ___________. What do you think?”.  Most checked one or two email newsletters and a news service before the party to have some "back-pocket" conversation topics and so that they would sound informed when asked about current events.

And a couple of don’ts:

• Don’t end with “have you heard of us?” because if the other person has to answer no, it could kill the conversation and embarrass everyone, especially if you say “Really? We are very well known”.
• Don’t make the other person struggle for your answers. It is almost impossible to keep a conversation going when it is all one-sided, so preparation gives you better answers with which to keep up your side.
• Try not to answer questions with yes or no, especially several questions in a row. It is a conversation killer.

3. Learn how to end conversations effectively and gracefully.

When the conversation flags or enters into small talk, the best networkers use that as a signal to end the conversation and move on to another person or group. This may seem cold or uncaring to those of you that think that networking is all about small talk and getting to know each other, but for the best networkers, small talk is as dreary as it is for everyone else. It is just that they have the courage and experience to excuse themselves to go and meet someone else. By-all-means talk as long as you like, but if you are beginning to struggle, it is a clue to stop.

I usually break the conversation when it has reached a peak because I want people to remember me when we were having the most fun or when one of us said something particularly brilliant or witty. Why not stick around for longer? This tactic increases my chances of leaving them with a positive feeling and allows them to introduce me to other people with confidence. But the underlying reason is that I can talk forever about everything and nothing – there is a real danger that I become the gregarious bore that catches you in a corner, so I make an effort to leave fairly early in the conversation. If we are having an interesting business conversation that needs to be continued, I will get permission from the other person to call them to continue the discussion or I book a follow up meeting on the spot. To break the conversation, I say “I don’t want to monopolise your time and I should go and meet more people. I will see you tomorrow at our meeting/send you an email to book a call/ will see you on my next tour around the room...”.  It is more honest than saying that you need to go to the washroom or get a fresh drink. It being a networking function, and that it lasts for a fixed amount of time, gives you the excuse you need to move on. Don’t be afraid to end conversations because if you are finding it difficult to continue, it is likely that the other person is as well.

What next? Repeat the process from step one and do not head for the door! Find another group that you know and start again. It should be easier on the next round of the room because you have already met some new people.

It gets easier with practice!

Although most of the people I interviewed find it challenging to meet people, the ones that found it easiest were definitely doing things differently.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

"But you only play with boys, Mom!"

In December 2009, I was writing my company Christmas cards when my daughters, ages 7 and 9 at the time, said “Mommy, you only play with boys!”

Every year, I send 100 Christmas cards with a personal, hand-written message to the best and favorite people in my business network. Looking at the list, Frances and Emma were right. 100 cards. 100 men. I never looked at it that way before. I saw 100 cards. 100 best contacts.

I am the only woman in my network!

OK. The odds are stacked against me because I work in Telecommunications, mostly with Data Centers and Satellites, and there are 100 men for every 1 woman (just like my network!!). There are women in Human Resources and Marketing, but I deal with Engineering, Sales, and Senior Management, so most of the women are not relevant to my business. My secondary industries are Banking and Private Equity and there have been a total of three women in the teams (other than secretaries and receptionists) and two were juniors.

I am not a passive networker. I plan, deliberate, and choose the people I know, so industry demographics are a facilitator to the lack of women in my network, not the primary reason.

The reason is that I built myself an all-male network, not as the end goal, but because it was the most effective way of reaching my business and career goals through networking. I love working in these male-dominated environments. I love Telecommunications and High Finance. I love my job and I built a network that allows me to excel at it. To work well with men, I needed to learn how to work well with men. So I had male mentors. To be in the inner circle with the decision makers, I had to know decision makers, and they were also men. I had no female role models to follow, so I followed male role models.

Because I was mentored by men on how to succeed in their environment, I learned at a young age that the men appreciated that I am a women, and not another man. That it was critical that I remain feminine and true to myself, not to try to be one of them. Sage advice. But they also taught me about the Bimbo-test. The tricky question that I should expect in the first 30 seconds after an introduction to see if I have the merit to be taken seriously or if I am just a pretty face. Tough advice – but invaluable. I think that I get the Bimbo-test from about 75% of the men that I meet for the first time. It’s OK. I am prepared.

Back to my story. My daughters, being the budding business women that they are, gave me a target. I had to meet one woman in 2010. The criteria was that she had to earn a place on the Point 6 Christmas card list which meant that she had to be a) senior and we had to have b) developed a business relationship. I didn’t know where to start because I was completely inexperienced in dealing with business women.

I typed “Women in Aerospace” into Google.

There was a hit!

A professional association called Women in Aerospace Europe had just opened in in The Netherlands – only 45 minutes from my house! Spooky. It was founded by Simonetta di Pippo, Director of Human Space Flight at the European Space Agency and Claudia Kessler, CEO of HE Space Operations, an engineering recruitment company that places a lot of staff at the European Space Agency. This was a good start! I filled out the membership form and went to their first Annual General Meeting. I was the first time I had ever been in a room with 40 women. It was quite nice and very, very different from what I am used to. Now I make it a point to attend the monthly dinners in Leiden and I have become active in the organization.

At the same time, I changed my networking approach at conferences. I started walking straight up to women and introducing myself. The first time was two years ago next week, at Satellite 2010 in Washington, then at IBC in Amsterdam, then at Satellite Business Week in Paris, then at Comsys VSAT in London, and then again at Satellite 2011. It is a normal thing for me now. I will do it again at Satellite 2012 next week.

I exceeded my target and my daughters were happy. Last Christmas, two years after the start of the project, I sent Christmas cards to my top 125 contacts and the list is 100 men and 25 women. I have a new target now: expand the top to 150 and make it 50:50. Not because I am an equal opportunity networker, but because the benefits warrant an equal split.

What has surprised me most, and pleased the kids so much that they claim the credit, is that my contact with women has taken me on a path that I did not expect. The fact that you are reading this Blog is a direct result. Women in Aerospace Europe was a very young organization and needed volunteers. So I volunteered to give a Networking Training Workshop to a group of WIA Rocket Scientists in Germany and helped promote the Mentoring Program developed by Mindy the Astronaut. There is a strong demand from members wanting to improve their networking skills so we are currently developing a training program to offer Basic, Intermediate, and Advanced Networking Skills courses for WIA members.

And it is spreading! Point 6 has started giving networking courses to the companies of the WIA members, such as HE Space. Also, I find myself speaking around the world about Networking Skills. For example, I am moderating a session at Satellite 2012 on “What’s Next for Mobile Satellite Services Equipment and Service Provision?” but I am also giving a talk on “Improving Your Visibility” at SpaceX for WIA members in Washington. Then at WIA in Toronto in the summer! It is so exciting! Germany, Netherlands, USA, and Canada! Where next?

Then there is The Networking Workshop, The Book. Actually, the ebook series. Each book will explore and offer advice on specific networking skills. The first will be Meeting People. The Book, the Training, the Mentoring, and the Lecture Series. This is great! My daughters are proud of their Mom and the eldest has added Business School to her list of things she wants to do. And I have added a business target that Networking revenue will match Consulting revenue by the end of 2013.

The moral of the story is that no matter how old you are, and no matter how skilled you are, you can still open up new avenues through effective Networking. And don't reject criticism, no matter what the source.

This is the first International Women’s Day where I feel I have made a contribution.

Cathy

The Gregarious vs The Introverts. Business Networking is about building relationships, not how you meet people!

It is my experience that effective business networking is about building a network of business contacts (it is up to you who they are) to help you achieve your goals (whatever they may be), following a process (as involved or as simple as you would like it to be). It is up to you and it is very personal. The key to networking is not your personality or style or how you choose to “work the room”, but in your skill and persistence in nurturing relationships that help you achieve your goals.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of reading on business networking and my attention has been grabbed by the current literature helping introverts improve their business networking skills. What has motivated me to “put pen to paper” today, so to speak, is the “Us and Them” that is prevalent throughout many of the comments that readers have contributed to articles and blogs. It reads like The Introverts vs The Gregarious. I am surprised because the focus of effective networking is in building relationships, not your style in meeting people.

One evening, I said to my introverted husband that I would like to offer advice to introverted networkers in this Blog, only to have him grumble “and what would you know about it?” Well, I know a lot about it, even though my character is as gregarious as his is introverted. Why? Because I have coached introverted engineers into becoming great networkers. Because I know that most of the work is done behind the scenes – not at networking events. Because effective networkers, the people that really achieve their goals, spend most of their time doing non-face-to-face networking activities. They spend their time building the relationships from the comfort of their desk chairs. Because meeting people is only part of the job.

To demonstrate the point, this is how I spend my networking time:

1. Meeting New and Old Contacts at Conferences and Selected Networking Events (10%)

Only 10% of my networking effort is in meeting new people at networking events. This effort is carefully planned at the beginning of the year and is closely linked with my business. The Networking Events that I attend are almost all related to conferences.

During the conferences, I use my gregarious side to full advantage and work very hard to meet almost everyone (Conference Strategies will be the subject of a separate article).

Finally, I am an active member of Women in Aerospace and every month I try to attend the networking dinner. Most of the women are Italian and it is usually lively.

2. Regularly Making New Contacts (5%)

Every month, I make one to three new contacts. These contacts are planned and where possible, I use my network to provide an introduction. The people selected are often, but not always, related to my current projects. This is also when I contact people that my network has recommended. One of the best ways to achieve this is to ask people in your network if they can recommend a contact in their network that will benefit you or ask them to make the introduction for you.

3. Adding Value to Existing Relationships (75%)

This category is about being altruistic, (definition: being unselfishly concerned for or devoted to the welfare of others). Every month, I put effort into nurturing 3-4 different relationships that are unrelated to my current projects. These are people that I have already met but I want to know better. I try to be of value to them when I don’t need anything in return. I try to build an expectation that they will benefit from a contact from me, that it will be a positive experience.

There are a lot of things that can be done, for example, I can introduce someone to another contact that they should know, I can send them an interesting article, or I can pass on some information that would benefit them. This is all one-way towards my contacts. Add value but don’t ask for anything in return.

To be honest, the bulk of this time is spent keeping up to date on current and industry events and in finding ways to be useful to others. Very little of this time is spent in contact with people. I read websites, press releases, and industry journals. I look up my contacts on LinkedIn and try to know as much as possible about them. I think you can only add value if you know a lot about your contacts. (The side effect is that I am always up to date on industry knowledge, which is critical for my job).

Important note: from time-to-time, I do need to ask for assistance from my network and I find that people go out of their way to help me. (This will be the subject of another article.)

4. Reviving old Friendships and Contacts (10%)

Every month, I try to revive one or more lost connections. This is always interesting and usually starts a chain reaction of finding even more lost friends and colleagues.

To recap:

• 15% of my networking effort is devoted to meeting new people
• 85% of my networking effort is devoted to strengthening and reviving existing relationships. Most of my networking time is spent in finding the best way to make a valuable contribution towards my network.

Networking effectively is hard work. The good news, however, is that most of it can be done from behind your computer. If you are adding value to relationships and being careful not to make a nuisance of yourself, most people will be pleased with your effort and will appreciate the attention.

Advice to both the introverts and the extroverts: Take the focus away from meeting people and focus on adding to your relationships. Be current, be altruistic, be proactive, and be relevant. Your hard work will be rewarded!

What are your experiences?

Thanks for reading,

Cathy

Design your perfect network

Network design gives you control over the balance and make-up of your network and it assists in goal setting and follow-up. I find that a well-designed network helps me manage all of my relationships and allows me to provide different kinds of value to different contacts.

It is entirely up to you how you create your network. It should reflect your goals and needs and it should provide you with assistance and support when you need it. Who do you want to include? Depending on your goals, your network can be very narrow or very broad, or you may benefit from taking a multi-group approach. Make sure your network is meaningful and relevant. Design it exactly how you want it.

It is my preference to have a multi-group network. Creating structure allows me to focus on different requirements and different ways of adding value to relationships. Let me share my network structure.

Group 1: Support Network

These are the people I call on for advice and assistance. These are very close to me and provide personal mentoring and support. This group is very small but it is diverse. They know if I have made a mistake or if I need assistance. They know what I am trying to achieve. This group includes mentors and friends (as this is about business networking, friends are business-related friends) and people I have mentored. Membership rarely changes except when I add new project-specific mentors. These relationships are long-term and carefully managed. We have a lot of contact.

Group 2: Reference Network

Each member of this group has agreed to be a supporter and knows that I will call on them whenever I need public support or acknowledgement. This group includes past clients, industry opinion leaders, consultants and advisors that I have worked with on past projects, etc. Relationships in this group are actively managed and it is very important that these people know what I am doing and know about my big new projects. I spend effort on reciprocal networking so I continue to add value to our relationships and stay relevant to these contacts. And when I need a reference, I know whom to ask.

Group 3: Potential Clients and Opinion Leaders

The people in my potential clients group are senior executives and people from target firms and professional associations. To get into this group, contacts are vetted for relevance and for a close fit with my business goals. I try to be selective with this group. My main objective is to “pay forward” and add value to these relationships in any way that helps foster our relationship and build credibility. One day, I hope to call on these people for new business, opportunities to speak at conferences, and industry advice.

Group 4: Industry Contacts

This is the largest of all my networking groups and it is made up of practically everyone I have ever met from my industry. I work hard to be very broadly known in the industry and make a conscious effort to meet a lot of people. I try to learn about their companies and about them – just a bit of information, so that I know their context in the industry. Relationship management is on an ad hoc basis. If I can connect people together, I will, and if people contact me, I always answer.

Group 5: Cross Fertilisation

People in the cross fertilisation group have nothing to do with my business. This is a very important group because I am able to learn new ideas and understand new applications through exposure to different people. In return, I teach them about my industry and how we do things.

The main benefit of designing your network instead of letting it develop on its own, is that you can concentrate on weak areas, you can add a group structure to provide different focus areas, and you can build groups to manage specific goals. It is about balance and relationship management. It is about surrounding yourself with people that will lend a hand when you need one.

Please send your comments and tell me how you benefit from network design.

Thanks for reading,

Cathy